Nguyen Van Toan (left) at the book launch for his autobiography Nhung Ngon Den Truoc Gio.

Hope amid suffering is the gist of Nguyen Van Toan’s short life story - a tale the 20-year-old wants to share so other people can feel better about their lot.

Toan was diagnosed with leukemia, a burden that he says was hard to come to terms with. He relays his experience of finding the meaning of life when he was about to lose it in his debut novel Nhung Ngon Den Truoc Gio (Lanterns in the Wind), published in early June by the People’s Public Security Publishing House.

Life less ordinary

Toan was born into a poor farming family in the northern province of Nam Dinh, the fifth of six children. He nurtured many ambitions when he was small, including one to become a Catholic priest after seeing a congretation enthralled by a sermon.

Another dream was to become a businessman. He even thought up a name for his company: Ai Viet, which means loving Viet Nam.

After finishing high school, Toan decided to take an entrance exam to Water Resources University, Ha Noi, to study business. He passed the exam and enrolled in September 2007. He and his brother rented a small flat in the city.

But his happiness was short. After one month studying, Toan began feeling unwell, afflicted with chronic fevers. Alarmed, Toan’s brother took him to hospital for tests.

His family were reluctant to show him the test results.

“Even though I knew there was something wrong with me, my doctors and family didn’t want to tell me the truth of it because leukemia can kill you at any time, and they didn’t want me to be weakened by shock.”

Toan says he didn’t fully understand his diagnosis until he looked it up himself in a medical encyclopedia. The news hit him hard.

“It felt like every door was closing in front of me. I didn’t know how my parents would be able to afford treatment for the cancer,” he says.

He gave up his studies to have treatment at the National Institute of Hematology and Blood Transfusion in Ha Noi.

“The stuffy atmosphere in the hospital, the smell and the groans of patients made me feel so depressed,” he says.

“I began thinking about my funeral and how my family and friends would feel when I die. I gave up trying to fight to stay alive.”

Still flickering

Nguyen Van Toan’s book Lamps in the Wind has attracted many young readers.

“I realised how much I mean to her,” he says.

“I gradually got better with help from other leukemia patients at the hospital.”

Toan names one patient in particular, Thanh Huynh, a girl from the central province of Nghe An. Because they were both the same age, the pair quickly became good friends.

Huynh’s condition was more serious, but Toan says she impressed him with her fighting spirit. But the treatment took its toll and after six months she looked like a different person, the young man says.

“She decided to stop the treatment and live at home,” he says.

“She told me she felt better at home and encouraged me to be brave and made me promise not to lose my will to live.”

“I found out several days ago that she has passed away. She knew what the cancer meant for her but she was never depressed or weary with life. She is my role model.”

Toan says many of the patients he met at the hospital have now died “not because they weren’t brave, but because they couldn’t take the pain of the treatment anymore.”

One day, while musing on the people who have passed through his life, the germ of an idea for a novel came into his head. He took his diary to poet Dang Vuong Hung and asked for help.

“People often come to me with ideas for books,” Hung says. “But I didn’t want to refuse someone who has suffered as much as Toan. I agreed to meet him to talk about his book.”

The poet says he was moved by Toan’s story, his thirst for life and determination to fight the cancer. He decided to call the book Lanterns in the Wind, because “the life of leukamia patients can be compared with these lamps, but the wind they have to face is really the storm of destiny”.

With extraordinary perserverance, Toan made it through six courses of chemotherapy. He can now stay at home and live a normal life, he just has to have check-ups at the hospital.

“Toan is like a burning lamp,” Hung says. “He has become a symbol of faith and hope, he will live forever in the minds of his family, friends, leukemia sufferers and readers.”

VNN/Vietnam News