As the bride’s family foots the bill at a Co Ho wedding party, families with a lot of nubile daughters are often left facing bankruptcy. Â
After a long chat, finally, Ka Hinh, a 57-year old Co Ho woman from Di Linh’s Gung Re commune, agrees to talk about her least favourite topic – weddings. “A wedding party must be a massive celebration, otherwise the bride’s family will be looked down upon,” says Ka Hinh with a rueful shrug.

It is a Co Ho tradition that the bride’s family foots the bill. Ka Hinh shakes her head in disgust at the memory of her own daughter’s wedding five years ago, an event which left her family riddled with debts.

There is an estimated population of over 100,000 Co Ho living mostly in Binh Thuan and Lam Dong provinces. In Ka Hinh’s commune there are nearly 2,100 households, mainly Co-ho people, who are living off coffee or maize cultivation. She claims many Co Ho families are living in poverty as a result of indulgent weddings parties.

When Ka Hinh’s daughter, Ka Sac turned 16 years old, she met a young man living in the next village. Ka Sac soon asked her parents to visit the man’s family, saying that she wanted to marry the man.

There are some stricts rules for this traditional affair. The initial meeting must be held late at night, when locals believe that all the genies can witness it and agree on the marriage of the couple. A lucky day is then selected for an engagement ceremony. On that day the groom’s family will bring cash, chickens, liquor and jewellery to the bride’s home. The two family heads will consult the bride’s ancestors and as long as everything goes well, a wedding will be held some months later, normally in spring when the weather is warm.

On that occasion the bride’s parents will visit the groom’s home with chicken and liquor, asking for the family’s permission to take the groom back to their home. After that a party is organised and the whole village is invited. Interestingly, it’s a matriarchal society – after the wedding, the groom will live with his wife’s family and the children will bear their mother’s surname.

Sac’s husband’s family demanded a fair bit in return for the loss of a son. This is not unusual, says Ka Hinh. “There is no ruling for such demands,” says Ka Hinh. “The groom’s family has the right to ask us for whatever they want. If we didn’t meet their demands, Sac would not have been able to marry their son.”

Sadly pride is at stake. It’s not honourable to baulk at demands or cancel the wedding. “Then Sac would be considered charmless, and she would not be able to find anyone after that. We have to accept her husband’s family’s demands,” says Ka Hinh, who claims Sac’s marriage cost her family VND40 million ($2,105).

That’s equivalent to 40 months of hard labour for Ka Hinh’s family. “And that’s excluding two buffaloes and three pigs we provided as offerings,” she adds with a sigh. “We borrowed a lot from relatives. Only one fifth of it has been paid off.” According to Ka Hinh’s husband, K’Rich in the past, people offered buffaloes, cows, pigs, gongs, skirts and jewellery.

“Today, everything is calculated in cash and gold,” says K’Rich. But this bitter couple is perhaps luckier than some. Next door, their neighbour has six eligible daughters, but no one is allowed to get married as the family claim they can’t afford a wedding party.

In Di Linh district’s Gia Bac commune where a large number of Co Ho people live, I meet a 50-year-old by the name of K’s Loc, who is cleaning his gongs in preparation for an upcoming performance at his niece’s wedding. Asked about the customs of Co Ho weddings, he claims that the bride’s family’s must present the groom’s family with expensive clothes, handkerchiefs and cash.

“Ten years ago, maybe you could give VND2 to VND3 million ($105.2 - $157.9), but now families might have to offer as much as VND30 to VND40 million ($1,578 - $2,105),” says K’s Loc.

If the bride’s family is poor, they can give the groom’s family the gifts, while the cash can be taken on as a debt. The groom can move to the bride’s house, but the wedding can take place only when the debt is paid off.
“It’s true that many families have fallen into poverty because of their children’s weddings. Many couples cannot hold a wedding ceremony as they are yet to pay debts though they have lived with each other and had kids,” K’s Loc says.

“Families with many daughters are living in awful poverty. When the parents die, the kids will inherit nothing but debts.”Â
Source: Time-out